Thursday, October 13, 2011

Cruel Jaws Has an Apt Name (Review)


Okay, so basically this film is about:

"A tiger shark bred by the Navy as a killing machine is wrecking havoc in the sleepy tourist town of Hampton Bay! In the meantime, the mafia is involved with sleazy real estate investments, and send their thugs to keep a lid on the fact the residents are destined for clam chowder... Sea World owner, Dag, and his dolphins come to the rescue to save Hampton Bay from both the mob and military covert operatives!" - Humberto Amador

The plot summary courtesy of IMDb. Okay, so basically this film was made in 1995 by Italian director Bruno Mattei. It was a TV movie and came out at 93 minutes. You can watch the trailer below:


Yeah, i know.....Okay, now onto the review. I can honestly say with absolute confidence, regardless of whatever I may see in the future, that this is the WORST film I have EVER seen. EVER. A little background info on it. First, there was Jaws, and it was amazing. Sure, there were flaws (as there are in everything), but it was an all round really great film and happens to be on my all time favourites list. Next, there was a huge amount of shark b-movies that (maybe) included "The Last Shark". Now, to me, this may have been a c-movie, but anyway, The Last Shark was pretty much a rip-off of Jaws, with the script following the EXACT plot of Jaws. It became known as "Italian Jaws" in fact. Oh, and it was so much the rip-off that Universal Pictures actually filed a law suit against them, and won.
So then there's Cruel Jaws. Now this film rips-off the rip-off. I'm not even kidding. They do pretty much the same thing, with even less structure, acting and clear plot, and actually take EXACT scenes from The Last Shark and re-use them in a slightly different, very incoherent way. I actually watched Cruel Jaws before The Last Shark and literally yelled out loud at my computer when I saw the duplicate scenes , outraged that anyone would steal scenes from something that was awful to begin with!
Okay, okay. Just to put into perspective just how awful this film is, there is a line in the film where an actor yells, "We're gonna need a bigger helicopter". I mean, come ON!! WTH?!
Overall, I give this film less than half a star. I mean it's really god awful and not even in an amusing, you can laugh at how terrible it is way. Thinking you could watch this film with friends and mock it- WRONG. Seriously, take it from me. I love to mock films with friends, just as much as I love finding a hidden gem, but watching the film makes you want to kill someone and just yell at the next person you see. Looking back on it, I really just want to tell people how bad it really is. I actually want it to come up in conversation so that I can put it down. And I don't say that often. It was a waste of 93 minutes of my life, but at least I can stop others from ever making the same mistake. Good luck to you.
Oh, and I try never to give spoilers, because I know how annoying that is. So, if you want reviews on the endings of anything I've done or haven't done, then just let me know and I'll create an add-on kinda thing.

Here are a my Top 20 Thoughts when watching this sorry excuse of a film:

1. Why must everyone keep INSISTING that it's a tiger shark, when the only footage they show us is of a great white?

2. Can nobody show ANY emotion in this film?! also, why does the "hero's" (and how loosely i use that 
word) girlfriend not care that if this guy doesn't do his job, people will DIE?!

3. oh GOD!!! i may have to find and KILL whoever wrote the script for this film! I mean "daddy, why do sharks kill people. because they're hungry. they're always hungry." WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?!

4. They've sunk to a new low, i didn't think it was possible, but when you hear "bob, let's run away together" you know it's only going to get worse.

5. I know the film was originally in Italian, but why is there a random 5 second segment in Italian?

6. Ooh, a shot of a mako shark! Hmm, is that closer to a tiger than a great white?

7. And now there's child abuse. What WAS this man thinking?!

8. *Shark on the ground in front of the actors* (Very obviously a great white) Man: " Well, it's a tiger shark alright." WHERE DID HE LEARN SUCH CRAP?! YOU DON'T NEED TO BE A SHARK EXPERT TO KNOW THAT A GREAT WHITE IS NOT A TIGER SHARK!!!

9. "Don't talk rubbish boy. This is not the place or the time." Oh, I'm sorry. When IS a good time to discuss whether this is actually the rogue shark that's killing people?

10. *A buoy pops up that we know is attached to the shark, and then slowly moves in between some racing windsurfers. A guy picks up some binoculars and (after a few seconds) spots the moving buoy* MASSIVE OVERREACTION TIME. "OH MY GOD!!!!! GET THEM OUT OF THE WATER!!!"
Ha, really film, really?

11. NARM!!! NAAAAARRRRRRMMMMMM!!! This film is nothing but awful, awful NARM!!

(for info on NARM, please follow the link :

12. BWAHAHAHA! *Lots and lots of people, repeatedly screaming, "GET OUT! GET OUT OF THE WATER! GET OUUUUUTTTT! GET OUT OF THE WATER!!"about 50 times. Massive panic follows. Many people get eaten or trampled. Then another, "GET OUUUTTT!!" Silence and a pause, then, "Stay calm" is said ridiculously quietly.* If you wanted people to stay calm, you shouldn't have started screaming in such a loud and panicked way, should you?!

13. Wow. Standing still making over the top arm movements, while screaming the name of a loved one, about to die, repeatedly, throwing in a NOOOOOO for good measure. We all know how effective THAT is.

14. Ah, finally! A reasonably good message (for this film anyway). *Little girl (after the attacks) is in the hospital.* "Daddy, sharks are really bad." *Father looks over at the man who INSISTED the beaches stay open * (JAAAAAWWWWWWWWSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!) " There are far worse animals out there." Yay, a slightly redeeming feature!

15. And now it's terrible again. Sigh. 1995, you will forever be tainted with the fact that this movie was made in the same year as you.

16. Oh look. A map conveniently marked "It's Here" in big letters for the bad guys to find. 

17. Woman: "Be careful." *Starts to cry* Man: "Whatever happens, remember I love you." All said in monotone voices with NO emotion. And I mean less than ROBERT PATTINSON AS FREAKING EDWARD!! urge to kill RISING!!

18. And now there's star wars music. But I've come to expect this obvious ripping-off and complete randomness of this film.

19. Hmm, he says light the fuses. How do you light dynamite fuses underwater? And there is NO way in hell they would be able to get out of the water in time to not be killed. Unless they were fuses that reached Cuba. At least, I think that would be far enough. I'm not exactly sure where this is filmed. I mean they're all Italian, but Italy isn't once mentioned. Nor is any other place for that matter.

20. All I can say now is, thank GOD that's over. 

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